The 7 Stupid Wonders of an Unexperienced Children's Clinician

I don’t consider myself someone who’s ever been horribly judgmental or critical of others, both in my personal and professional life.  I usually am pretty open to other people’s perspectives and opinions, and assume they have their own reasons for doing things.  I think I’ve also developed a relatively good understanding that nothing in life is black and white, and that the answers to most of the unknown questions of this world lay somewhere within that grey area. 

I suppose I have probably learned to be that way, in part, because of my career as a clinician, especially in my intense work with the parents of the children who I see day in and day out.  It’s really hard to have the core belief that your perspective on parenting is the right or only perspective, and work with a variety of parents whose values are often different from yours.  I think it’s safe to say the majority of children’s clinicians would agree with that statement.

But oh, don’t get me wrong.  If I said that throughout my career I’ve never placed judgement on parents, or disagreed with their choices, or believed they were wrong, I’d be lying to myself and everyone else.  Any children’s clinician who makes that statement is probably deceiving you in some way- we all make judgements at times.  Even though a therapist is supposed to be the ultimate symbol of non-judgmental, unconditional acceptance, we just can’t be that perfect all of the time. 

But what I can say, is that since I’ve become a mother, I do far less judging and questioning, and much more understanding and validating.  There are so many situations that I hear about where I can honestly say I’ve been there, and contemplated making the same choice as well.

Please don’t misunderstand or generalize what I am saying.  This certainly does not mean that a clinician with no children cannot be a fantastic and skilled as a clinician.  In fact, some of the clinicians who I’ve respected the most, and who I’ve known to be the most influential in their work, are clinicians who are not, indeed, parents themselves. 

I’m just writing about myself, and my own experience. 

I remember my early days as a clinician, working in a school, surrounded by young kids, and having so many questions about why so many parents had made the choices that they did in parenting their children.  I mean, not really the big choices, but the little ones.  Like the every-day, little things that seem like such easy choices as a parent.  And it really wasn’t until my own children hit school-age, that my questions about these every day parenting choices slowly whittled away. 

 

So let me give you a list of some of the observations, curiosity and criticism I had of parents and children before I ever had my own, and my answers to them now that I’m a mother. 

1.        Question: This parent is always so nicely dressed and groomed.  I wonder why they send their kid to school in such wildly mismatching clothing?  How come they spend so much time on their appearance, and none on their child’s?

 

Answer:  Newsflash, you dumb clinician:  young kids don’t care about their appearance.  Of all of the battles to fight, why would you choose this one?  If they’re happy in what they chose, or even what you chose for clothes, then why would you make any issue at all out of it?  And furthermore, if your kid comes out of their bedroom in something you think is totally mismatched, and they like what they’re wearing, why would you ever shoot it down?

Kids are so limited on the choices they have in life.  Let them make this choice.  It saves you energy, and helps the kid to feel just a little bit more independent.  And trust me, they won’t graduate high school wearing flower print pants, checkered shirts, and mismatched socks.  Or maybe they will.  And if they do, good for them.  Not a big problem either way, and the way your kid is dressed at any age says nothing about your parenting skills.
 

 

2.       Question:  I wonder why so many parents make separate meals for their kids.  Why don’t they just expect them to eat what they’re eating?  Isn’t it beneficial to the child to try new things, and if they have the choice, they will never try anything new.

Answer:  Nope.  My kid would rather starve then eat the wonderful, home cooked meals that I know how to make.  And believe me, we know how to eat good stuff in this household.  My husband is a restaurant manager and culinary master.  On the nights he makes things such as spinach tortellini, or mushroom beef stroganoff, or seafood lasagna, I will not expect my kids to eat it.  They will eat frozen pizza, or chicken nuggets instead.  And we will not stop making these delicious meals for ourselves- why should we have to change what we eat just because we have kids? 

 Trust me, on the nights we have spaghetti, or shake and bake chicken, or Shepard’s Pie, I expect them to at least take a few bites before they pour themselves a bowl of cereal, or whip up a PB & J.  But my goodness, I am not crazy.  I am aware that 4 and 7 year olds are not fond of elegant, decadent cuisine.  Who was I ever kidding?

3.        Question:  How come parents don’t empty their kids’ backpacks every night, or forget to send back their homework folders?

 

Answer:  Because, believe it or not, parents actually are busy during the evening and in the mornings.  Busier than anyone without kids could ever, ever imagine.  Especially working mothers, such as myself. 

Are you joking?  We’re lucky if we get out the door in the mornings with both kids dressed, with backpacks and lunches, with brushed teeth and snow clothes.  Never mind the darn homework folder.  I try my best to remember, but darn, it’s pretty low on my priority list.  Did I send my kid to school naked?  No.  Did I put them to bed without dinner? Absolutely not.  Trust me people, I’m doing my job.  Sorry if I miss the homework folder every once and awhile.

 

4.        Question:  I wonder how come parents don’t involve their kids in more extra-curricular, enrichment activities.  It builds so much confidence for children, and it’s such a healthy way to be involved in the community.

Answer: You know what else is healthy?  Spending evenings and Saturday mornings at home, relaxed, without commitments or time restraints.  I don’t know as if it’s beneficial to yell at my kids to find their cleats, or change into their uniform, or remember their dance duffle bag almost every day during those excruciating, stressful transitional times at the end and beginning of each school day when things are already stressful enough.

And even more than that, I’ve worked all freaking day.  My kids have been at school all freaking day.  Maybe we’d like to relax.  Maybe we’d like to eat dinner together as a family, or read a book, or watch TV.  Maybe we need that time to decompress and gather our energy back. 

And just maybe my kid doesn’t like activities such as these ones that are offered. And if they aren’t sure if they like it, then why would I insist that they be involved in it?  I mean sure, if my kid likes baseball, I will let them play baseball.  If my kid likes girl scouts, I will let her participate.  But I won’t force them to.  That’s like a lose-lose situation, with the only reasoning behind it being that I think they might benefit from their exposure to such activities?

Benefit, you say? They might benefit from spending time with their parents, as well.  They might benefit from having the time to be read to, and complete their homework from beginning to end without being rushed.  But benefit from being forced to pretend to enjoy an activity they half-like?  Probably not.

 

5.       Question:  How come so many parents let their kids come into their rooms and sleep in their beds?  Don’t they want time alone with their spouse?

Answer:  Believe it or not, parents need to sleep as well, just as much, if not more than they need “alone time’ with their spouses.  We have worked hard, hard, hard for our kids to go to bed and sleep by themselves.  But if they creep in a 4 AM to snuggle in between us in the morning, I’m not going to stop them.  I’d rather cherish that 2 hours of sleep.  And quite frankly, there might be a part of this that I actually enjoy.  Again, at 18 years old, I’m pretty sure that this won’t be happening.  And if it is, then we have bigger problems.  But really folks, let’s let them love our comfort while they actually still find comfort in us. 

And the fact that it might affect the parents’ intimate life?  Oh please. The mere idea of a child existing in your household affects your sexual opportunities.  We’re not kidding anyone, here.  Kind of a bit embarrassing to admit, but if we want to have sex, we will make it happen.  And I can guarantee that those wee hours of the morning when the kids are coming into our rooms, is not the time we were hoping for this type of intimacy to happen, anyhow.

 

6.        Question: How come parents allow their kids so much time to watch TV and play video games?  Don’t they realize that such time could be used for creative play, self-discovery, and imagination?

Answer:  Well, because parents need times to get stuff done, without constant interruptions.  I know, that if my daughter puts on her Princess Anna dress, and watches Frozen for an hour and a half, I can fold and put away two loads of laundry, do a sink full of dishes, and clean both of my bathrooms.  I know that if I let my son plays 2 hours of Minecraft on his tablet, that I can vacuum the floors, sweep and mop my dining room and kitchen, and prepare dinner without a sound. 

Why wouldn’t any parent do this?  It will not kill my kids.  They will not be traumatized.  They will still know how to play by themselves, and grow into creative, functional human beings with innovative and extraordinary ideas.  2 hours of media time on the weekend is not the route of all that kills in childhood.  Sorry for the folks who believe it is!
 

 

7.       Question: How come kids struggle so much with behavior and relationships if their parents are such good examples in their lives?  How come they haven’t learned from these role models?  How can all of these high functioning adults create such wildly dysregulated, un-social children?

 

Answer:  Well because, kids are kids, because they are kids.  If that makes sense.  Kids are not just a pure representation of the way they’ve been parented.  There can be a child who has the nicest parents in the world, and the best home life you could ever imagine, and that child could still have social behavioral issues that top the most of the top.  And really, there are times when kids are really just their own people, despite how they’ve been parented, despite what their adult models have showed them.  Once again, I will repeat, our children are their own people, not extensions of their parents, and not little mini-adults.  Most of the time, they make their own choices, and they are certainly still learning despite their influences. 

In my career, I’ve seen kids who have experienced the most pristine, close to perfect home lives that struggle day in and day out with behavioral issues and social challenges, and visa versa.  I’ve seen kids from horrible, traumatic and shattered home circumstances be the kindest, most socially adaptable human beings.   

I’m not saying that adult role models and functional home lives don’t make a difference on kids, because they certainly do.  But really, it just isn’t as black and white as I used to think it was. 

 

We are each individuals.  Children, parents, families.  We make different choices.  Choices that we believe in that moment, or even in the long-term, are the best choices for us.  And how can we judge one another for it?  We live different lives, we’ve have different pasts, we’ve experienced different things. Let’s learn from each other.  Let’s choose to relate to each other, and identify with our commonalities, rather than focusing on our differences. 

 

Together we shall support, celebrate, and unite.