Birthdays and Miracles

I feel like the past 2 months of my blog have been full of, well, complaints and commissary about being a mom or about my job.  And the funny things is, I'm typically not a complainer.  I love my life.  I love being a mom, and I love my job. 

So in honor of the passing of my 32nd birthday 2 days ago, I'm going to write a happy and hopeful entry. 

So let me just tell you, I've always found mysterious irony in the day that I was born.  July 20, since the year I turned 22, has been a day in which I've either been bed-ridden sick, or something kind of horrible has happened.  I used to think it was just me being negative, considering there are a lot of days that horrible things happen, and just some of them coincidentally happened on my birthday.  So for several years in a row I worked hard to re-frame my thinking around it.  I've told myself that perhaps it's just that these specific horrible things have stuck out in my memory because they occurred on my birthday.  Either way, I can't help by make note of my past 10 years of birthdays:

• Age: 22- July 20, 2006:  Lost my first job out of college.  Layed-off.  On that day.  It was the last day of the summer program for the job I was working in, and they realized they hired too many people for the school year.  Since I was the last to be hired, with the least amount of experience, I was done.

• Age: 23- July 20, 2007: Speeding ticket.  Ok.  Not a big deal.  Just $140 that I didn't have.  I drove fast in my early 20's.  But really, on my birthday?

• Age: 24- July 20, 2008:  I ruined my engagement.  It was supposed to be that day.  But when the package from Zales was delivered at my home, I couldn't imagine what it was, so I opened it.  Oh man, a diamond ring.  I tried to close it back up and pretend that it was never opened!  My now husband was no fool though, and he was very angry at me.  It was a huge fight.  The make-up from it may have been when we conceived my son!? 

• Age 25-July 20, 2009: My son was an infant.  I remember walking him in a stroller on that day, down by the Waterfront in Newport, Vermont.  And then I remember getting him back in the car, and backing straight up into the car behind me.  $3,000 worth of fender-bender damage, and it was my fault.  Not covered by insurance.  Wonderful.

• Age 26- July 20, 2010:  It was 3 weeks before my wedding.  My son (15 months) was still breastfeeding and I was trying to wean him.  With this, came engorgement.  I remember the pain became unbearable.  On that day, I had gone to the Dr.'s and was diagnosed with mastitis.  My shower was that weekend.  My bachelorette part was the night after.  My breasts hurt more than life. I had a 103 degree temp and my chest felt like it was going to explode.

• Age 27- July 20, 2011: I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter, and I thought I had gone into early labor.  I remember my husband had left work early and brought me to the hospital.  I underwent a non-stress test to find out that I was actually not anywhere near in early labor, I just had about 3 pounds of human waste sitting inside of my colon.  The doctor asked, "When was your last bowel movement?"  I replied, "Umm, it was so long ago I can't remember, maybe 3 weeks?"  Hmmm...

• Age 28- July 20, 2012:  Celebration of my birthday at the lake with my best friend and her son.  My son and hers (3 at the time) were playing in the water.  I was nursing my 9-month-old daughter.  My son stepped in too far, and was struggling.  I went to hand my daughter to my best friend to run into the water fully clothed to rescue him, and in the hand-off, I dropped my daughter 2 feet onto the muddy, grassy, hard ground.  My son ended up fine, but I had to bring my daughter to the ER.  She was ok, too.  Just a small bruise. 

• Age 29- July 20, 2013:  My last day at my job that I had worked at for 6 years.  Said goodbye to so many children I was so close to.  It was my first job as a therapist.  It was the first of many heartbreaks I would experience over the years.  There were tears, and regrets, and feelings of guilt because I felt like I hadn't done enough. 

• Age 30- July 20, 2014:  Bed-ridden sick.  Sicker than I ever have been.  My husband days, "Alice, you have to get out of bed and come with us.  I planned you a surprise party at your parents' lake house." I took a Dayquil and made it through.  But I was miserable and sick.  Sick, sick, sick. 

• Age 31- July 20, 2015:  Sick.  Really freaking sick.  Called out of work sick.  Which meant I was really sick.

• Age 32- July 20, 2016:  My son has a sore throat.  My daughter has a goopy eyes.  I am shitting my brains out.  Sick.  Whole family.  Step throat, pink-eye, stomach bug.  Triple whammy.  Once again, Birthday sickness overcomes my life.

So now that you know a summary of my last 10 years of Birthdays, I've got to tell you, that I've re-framed my thinking around them for good.

This special day, it is a day of life change.  All of these silly little things, they are not big things.  They are little bumps in the road.  In the grand scheme of things, they are minor, very miniscule problems.  Nobody was truly injured.  Nobody had a life threatening illness.  Nobody died.  They are stupid, forgettable things, that happen commonly on many, many other days of the year as well. 

But they are also miracles. 

If I had never lost that first job, who knows what job I'd have today. 

If I had never gotten that speeding ticket (which was the last one out of many I was ever blessed with), or never gotten in that fender-bender, I  maybe would've never slowed down or learned to be more careful.

 If I had never mistakingly found my engagement ring, maybe I would have never gotten engaged.  That may have been a mistake, but wasn't it something to celebrate? (and a great story)

If I had never contracted mastitis, my son may have had to stop nursing before he was ready. And more than that, who knows what my bachelorette party would have brought?

The day I jumped into the water to save my son, was also the day he learned to swim. He never needed saving. 

If I had never left my job after 6 years, would I be where I am today, onto better and bigger things?

If I had never been sick and had to miss out on something exciting, especially on my 30th Birthday, I would never appreciate feeling healthy.

These moments were milestones for me, and they occurred on my Birthday each year.  These were actual, real-world, life-changing moments.  They meant something to me; they taught important life lessons.

Lessons like these: 

• It's important to be over-cautious and mindful of safety.  We, as human beings, and especially myself, are not immortal. 
•  It's important to have a beginning and an end to jobs and phases of my life that I've overgrown, no matter how difficult the good-bye is.  I can't live my life just fearing the good-bye, it leaves no room for growth.
• It's important to not feel well every once in awhile, especially if you're a generally healthy person.  These moments help you to appreciate the times that you do feel healthy and energetic. 

My past 10 Birthdays, they've played a large role in helping me to become more humble, and thankful, and gracious.  They have changed my life. 

I will no longer dread the coming and passing of July 20th each year.  Instead, I will look forward to them, and live in curiosity as the day approaches, of how it will make me better. 

I am so absolutely thankful to be alive, today and every day.  I am healthy, I am strong.  My life is a great life, one that many would only wish to have.

Dear God, if there is a true God, thank you for this day.  Thank you for creating me. Thank you for this his life, with all of it's challenges and its joys.

Every Birthday, from now on, will remind me that life is a pure miracle.  Even if I can't see it in the moment, these days are a small thread in the seam of my story.