The Struggle of the ENFP and Extrovert

A good friend of mine has recently talked about a ton of research she’s done on personalities- more specifically the Myers-Briggs 16 personality type test (MBTI).  I’ve taken this test multiple times in my life, and every single time my personality type comes out the same- ENFP.  ENFP, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the test- stands for Extroversion, Intuition, Feeling and Perception. 

All in all, I am happy to be an ENFP.  It has brought many new ideas and experiences into my life, and I really don’t know as if I’d change a thing about my personality type (well, that’s a lie- maybe a few things).  But I’ve got to say, there a certainly some struggles that comes along with the extreme extroverted part of me, as well. 

In reading her posts and research, I’ve  stumbled upon a lot of articles that shed light on the struggles and also the strengths of introverts, who’s first letter on the MBTI is the opposite of mine (I).  And there is no doubt, their struggles are real.  So real that most days I consider myself so lucky to not be walking in their shoes.  But their strengths- they’re amazing!  Strengths I’ve always wished to have- precise skill, attention to detail, organization, sensitivity, and most importantly, feelings of contentment and fulfillment in being by themselves.  Introverts are capable of deep, well thought out ideas and plans, and are able to literally problem solve any situation where I believe that there is no solution to the problem.  I love and admire introverts, and it’s a good thing, because my life is filled with them.

The clinician in me also wants to distinguish the difference between introversion and social anxiety disorder.  Common misunderstanding: Just because you’re an introvert does not mean you have social anxiety.  It means that you gain your energy and re-charge from being by yourself , instead of being around people.  And living with social anxiety also does not mean that someone is an introvert- you can be a raging extrovert with crippling social anxiety.  And let me tell you, I’m so glad I’m not one of those people. 

Furthermore, I also must devote about another minute to social anxiety disorder, because it affects so many of the children I work with in my job, and also several people who are close to me in my life.  For all of the socially anxious people in this world- my hat goes off to you.  You live each day having to be in awkward, overwhelming social situations, and you get through them with an admirable sense of self-preservation and strength.  I don’t know how you do it, and I can’t imagine living a life managing this type of daily stress. 

So with all of that being said: Introverts of this world, please know that I love you!  And to the introverts close to me in my life, thanks for balancing my extreme high energy, over-enthusiastic, unrealistic dream-like personality out!  Without you all, I’d be lost in a cloud somewhere above a rainbow!  Put me in a blue dress, sparkling red shoes, and call me Dorothy when I say, thank goodness the world has people who  can plan, execute, and prepare for reality!  I love and cherish you, more than you can think of.  In fact, on most days, I wish I was more like you!

So here’s a snapshot of the struggle of an extrovert.  And trust me, this struggle is real, too! 

First off, the clinician in me, once again, would like to clear up some misconceptions.  Ladies and gentlemen: Extroversion does not equal self-confidence.  It does not mean that a person walks around not afraid of who they talk to or what they say.  It also does not mean that an extraverted person is a party animal, or “wild”.  I will not pretend I didn’t spend a long phase of my adolescence and young adulthood as a wild partier, because those who know me, know that that idea is very far from the truth.  But it does mean this- extroversion comes out in many different ways, which clearly come through in those like myself. 

One thing I will say, is that most extroverts are chatty.  We like to talk about things, with people.  Anything, really.  Maybe it’s something as simple as drinking water, or as complicated as raising children.  Maybe it’s about the weather, or what we’re making for dinner, or why we chose to wear what we are dressed in.  Whatever the subject, we can talk.  About anything, with most anyone, at any time. 

And we remember specific things about people- maybe it’s their names.  Maybe it’s how we know them, or how they look familiar.  Maybe it’s something really detailed, like how they read their poem out loud to the class in 3^rd grade, or how they sang a Christmas Carol 7 years ago as part of the chorus at a school concert.  Maybe it’s how they smiled at us once, across a room, at a restaurant.  For whatever reason, we recognize a face, and often time, a name or behavior that belongs with that face.

 

Us extroverts, we like to socialize, at any chance we get.  We enjoy things like baby showers, weddings, graduation parties and housewarmings. We love to meet new people.  We are deeply curious about others- their lives, their stories, their experiences. And we look to them as stepping stones to meet more people, and relate, and network about the things we have in common. 

We are flexible people, who can stretch in many directions.  We can multi-task galore, and the majority of us can never really foresee or accomplish a true outcome.  We live each day without a plan, and any sense of direction or conclusion is unimportant to us; we fly by the mere seat of out pants.  Maybe we’ll spend an hour at work talking to a friend, or 20 minutes in the grocery store discussing the best brand of diapers our babies wear.  Whatever the experience, whatever the conversation, we are down for it.  We are more than happy to participate in it, regardless of time, place or person.

ENFPs  are the epitome of creativity.  You’ve got a creative idea?  Ours is bigger.  And probably unable to happen, due to the impossible details.  But who cares, really?  At least we thought about it for a second. 

And time is but an essence- it’s a mundane, unrealistic misperception to us.  Time is not measured by what we predict we will accomplish in a day, but rather by how we’ve handled what our day has thrown at us.  There have minimal expectations, and endless possibilities.

Us extroverts, we are dreamers.  We imagine great things.  We have no plans to execute these dreams, just beautiful hope that these things will happen.  For an example, today, I will write an essay about being an extrovert.  The plan?  It’s probably just gonna happen, despite all of the minor (or major) details. 

So we have many strengths as extroverts.  We can get along with anyone.  A friend once told me, “you can get along with shit on a stick.”  I sure can.  And that is because I can find some part of myself that can relate to every human being in this world.  And really, what a strength of an ENFP that is.

So with strengths, there’s also weaknesses.  And let me tell you about those, for that’s exactly the reason I deiced to write this essay in the first place.

With true extroverts, especially ENFP’s, there’s a pure and crazy lack of structure and stability.  Hey let’s go fishing.  Nevermind we’ll stay at home at just play board games.  Nevermind, we were spontaneously invited to this get together.  Let’s go to it.  Any chance to do something where we’re around people!  Something different, and fun.  Something unpredictable.

And let’s just take a minute to discuss unpredictability.  There’s no sense of all-of-the-sudden.  Our life it full of all-of-the-suddens.  All-of-the-sudden, we’re in a shopping mall, making impulsive and un-needed purchases.  All-of-the-sudden, our toddler is rolling in a puddle of mud, at a baseball game, with no change of clothes.  All-of-the sudden, we come up with this awesome idea, to prepare a water balloon fight amongst our kids.  The rules of this game?  They’re unestablished, and absent.  It becomes chaos.  Just pure chaos.  But that’s ok, because we just go with things.

Impulsivity.  We have a beet-red, shining sore heart full of impulsive decisions.  Hey, let’s buy this lawn mower!  Can we afford it?  Who cares, we’ll figure it out.  Let’s go on a trip today to New York!  Do we have directions to get there?  Probably not.

And this statement can’t go unsaid:  Extreme ENFP’s drive introvert, problem-solving, detail-oriented people insane.  Absolute bat-shit-crazy.

Here’s a scenario: Extreme extroverts as parents of young children.  Nap today, for my toddler? Forget it!  Let’s go to the beach!  There’s no opportunity quite like this one.  Who cares if my 3-year-old becomes a wild monser at the end of the day, I never really thought about it, anyhow!

Housework for ENFP’s.   Today, I will get done this, this, and that.  Or maybe not.  Probably not.  I’m too busy being unpredictable with no sense of time or focus.  I’m too busy talking, on the phone, to the neighbor, to my kids, to the mailman, to the grocery store clerk, to the guy trying to hitch a ride on the side of the highway.  Nevermind, I’m texting.  In deep conversation.  With 8 different people. 

Here’s what all of us extroverts miss.  Watching great movies from beginning to end, without losing focus or being interrupted.  Finishing projects, suc h as creating gardens, or paintings, or refinishing furniture.  Living in organized households, with spelled-out calendars on the fridge, or drawers assigned to different utensils such as silverware and plates.  Being able to find daily items, like hairbrushes and car keys, and maybe even our shoes and jackets.  Having a regular bedtime or wake-time, that’s relatively the same every day, regardless of unplanned happenings, or conversations, or distractions. 

Wouldn’t it be nice, for a day, if I could make a list for things to do, and actually execute it?  Wouldn’t it be awesome, if I could have a plan, with a budget, and actually follow it?  Wouldn’t it be such an experience, to spend the day at home, alone, with no human contact, and feel alive, happy, and energetic come the evening? 

I’d love to be the owner of a clean car, or more importantly, a clean bedroom.  I’d love to be able to be faced with a problem, come up with a plan, and be a major player in executing it.  But I’m too worried about how people feel, how I deal with everything else that comes up, and the friends that I make along the way. 

Being an extrovert is not an easy task.  Neither is being an introvert.  Both personalities have their strengths, and also their struggles.  So to all of the extroverts of this world: let’s make a plan for tomorrow. Just to be thrown off course and change direction.  Want to join us along the way?  The more, the merrier.  We’re down with it.  No schedule, solution, outcome or plan.