Oppostional Defiant Disorder- The Story of a "Bad" Kid

I’d like to devote an essay to the subject of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  I am a clinician who works in schools, and I must share that this disorder is the most up and coming diagnosis amongst behaviorally challenged students in public school.  It has taken the place of Attention Deficit Disorder in popularity amongst school psychologists, and it’s prominence in our society should be noted and written about.  If no other clinician has the drive to write about it (which I’m sure they do), I will.

So let me explain Oppositional Defiant Disorder, coded as 313.81 in the bible of psychology that all of us Clinicians and therapists live by (more commonly known as the DSM-IV-TR).  The diagnosis of “ODD” is a cluster of symptoms that describes a child or student as being generally noncompliant, uncooperative and at times antisocial in their response to most of the demands that society places upon them.  It is common amongst children who have been abandoned by one or both parents, children in the foster care system, or children who have lived through significant, on-going abuse and trauma in their lives. 

 

A snapshot of a child who is often diagnosed with this can easily be identified and described.  It is a child who defies most of, and sometimes all of,the culturally established and societal rules and expectations.  It is a child who shows up to school every day with an attitude of something like, “I’ll do what I want to, but never what you tell me to.” 

ODD sounds like s a child who says, "Nope, not doing that.“  Or something like, "You can't make me."  Or even this question and response: "You want me to do what?  Well you can go ahead and F off."

ODD looks like a big, sore, outlandish, outright refusal.  Refusal to crawl out from underneath the desk.  Refusal to write with a pencil.  Refusal to write anything at all.  Refusal to read out loud, or work on an assignment.  Refusal to sit in an assigned seat.  Refusal to follow the directions in P.E. class. Refusal to line up when it's time to come in from recess.  Refusal to sit down on the bus.  Refusal to do most of the things the adults ask, most of the time. 

Attention to all of the adults:  Let me make it known that I refuse to adhere to you and your rules about how you think I should be.
 

 

It is a strong will, and adamant, inarguable stubbornness.  It is continuous and perpetual disagreement with anyone, or anything.  It is disrespect and overall disregard for most other people, and inability to recognize or care about how one's behavior affects others.  It is a general attitude that has worked in it's best way to help a child feel more safe, but unfortunately, it holds many social consequences. 

The diagnosis of ODD or similar behaviors in a child causes a large amount of frustration in the adults surrounding that child. I bet there is no single teacher in the history of teachers who can say they haven't had at least one, if not many, many students that have very familiar behaviors as described above.

But let me, for a moment, tell you a story of a child with “ODD”.  And I want you to really think about why they’ve developed this “attitude” towards all human beings.

I am a 10-year-old boy, or an 8-year-old-girl, or a 14-year-old adolescent. I could be any child, of any gender, and any age, because this whole ODD thing does not discriminate.  

I am deeply misunderstood by my peers, my teachers, and anyone, really for that matter. 

If they haven't abandoned me, my parents are probably struggling to provide me with the type of attention I need.  They are caught up in most of the adult responsibilities of life- making money, feeding me, meeting their own needs in any way they can.  Maybe my parents are addicted to something- like alcohol, or prescription drugs.  Maybe they are working 3 jobs.  Maybe they are parenting me with no support, as a single parent.  I really just don’t understand what occupies their time, but I do know that their time is certainly occupied. 

The adults I am surrounded by at home are caught up in adult problems, every single day.  And the problems never seem to end for them.  Maybe they can’t pay rent this month, and we might be evicted.  Maybe they got arrested for driving without a license. Maybe they are unemployed, or mentally ill, or abused by their spouse.

Often times, my parents are caught up in their own relationships.  They are desperately trying to make things work with their partners, to kill the loneliness and emptiness that lives inside of them.  They are spending their days filling their soles and their hearts with something meaningful to them in this game of life. 

On most days, I am alone.  But I've learned to manage my loneliness.  I play by myself, or with other siblings or neighborhood kids.  I have no direction, or explanation from right or wrong.  There is no guidance from the adults, they are too busy with the overwhelming stress of life.

I want so badly to have adult attention.  I need adult attention.  Sometimes, the only way I can receive adult attention, is by doing something bad.  I don’t like doing bad things, but if doing things that are bad will catch my parents’ attention, then it’s very much better from doing nothing at all. 

The adults in my life don’t have many opportunities to show me how to behave in an acceptable and social way.  The adults that I am around often don't know how to communicate well and solve their problems for themselves, so they, too, have found other ways to get their needs met.  And those are the examples I have learned from.  The other children around me are so lucky that they've had someone there to teach them such pro-social skills. 

I am not those kids.  Please don't compare me to them.  We are not two of the equal or similar.  Our lives that we've lived have been so vastly different that one another, that we aren't the same type of being.  Myself, and those kids, are two separate animals.  And let me make it clear- I hate those animals.

We are different, mainly because of this: Some of the adults in my life who are supposed to love me and keep me safe have hurt me.  There really aren't any adults who have been successful in protecting me from the harsh world.  They've either neglected me, emotionally abused me, or physically harmed me in some way.  The adults who have helped me to feel safe, those who have comforted me, those who have been there for me, they've left me behind.

I have slowly learned that adults, and really any other people, aren't things in life that I can trust. 
They are the enemies at war with me, forcing me to someone who I am not, forcing me to do things that I haven't made my mind up about you.  You want to see force?  I'll show you force.

Force is how I behave if something in life is scary and overwhelming.  I can protect myself through force and defiance. I don't need any adult to help to me at all.

I will dig in my heels as hard as I can dig.  I will win the battle.  I will win the war.  There will be no adult who can force me to do a damn thing.  I can, and I will, control everything within my control, because so much of my life circumstance is absolutely beyond my control. 

I need to have force in order to survive.  I have other needs , too.  I have the need for positive attention.  I have the need for adults to talk to me, and explain things to me, and model how functional adults behave in our society.  I have the need to be protected, and to feel safe.  Protected from difficult situations, protected from violence, protected from complicated, stressful, adult problems.  Safe from abuse, from violence, from turmoil.  Most importantly, I have the need to be loved, unconditionally, by adults who know how much I can screw up, and still love me at the end of the day.  The need to know that I am theirs, and they are mine, forever. 

But what's forever for?  I have a hard time even seeing tomorrow.  Even seeing the end of the day.  Even seeing that maybe my mood might improve within the next 20 minutes.  I am living in the moment.  And this moment is scary and unpredictable. 

I am confused about what I want in comparison to what I need.  I sometimes don't even realize that what I want to the most is attention, and I want it right now.  I also want this pack of crackers, and I should have it.  I've lived this shitty, horrible life, and all I want is a pack of crackers, and you can't give it to me right now? Then you can give me nothing.  You are nothing.  And if you don't know you're nothing, I can show you.

Do you think I can't get what I want?  Oh, you are so wrong.  I can, and I will get what I want.  I will demand what I want.  And I will receive.  Just you watch. 

Underneath my harsh demands for things I want, there’s some deeper, underlying needs that are not consistently met.

I just need to be loved and cared about.  I need someone to know my needs before I know them.  Someone to stay on top of them, and be one step ahead of me.  I need a provider, caretaker, a helper, a supporter. 

I need to be able to good at something, and for someone to recognize it.  I deserve for someone to invest in me as person; someone who can see the good in me no matter my faults or insecurities.  I could really use at least one person in this world to know that I am indeed a good person, who is worthy of being loved and cherished, despite my bad behavior and general disrespect for mankind.

And honestlty, I disrespect people really only because the vast majority of the people in my life have disrespected me. 

Especially adults. 

Adults are the enemy, because they walk around pointing out just about everything that is wrong with me.  And you know what?  F them.  They're wrong.  They're wrong about me, and they're wrong about everything.

All they’ve ever done is ignore my needs, and my ideas, and my self-worth.  They do not value my purpose in this world.  I am a responsibility to most of the people in my life, a sore on their back, a burden that on most days, is nothing but a pure pain in the ass.

I feel worthless, and unwanted, and unloved.  I make life harder for everyone, not easier.  Nobody enjoys me, or invests in me, or sees my potential.  And the truth as I see it, is that I’m not worth investing any time into.

I am nothing to the world, and the world, in its harsh return, is nothing to me. 

All I am is un un-wanted piece of crap.   A nuisance, an un-needed distraction in desperation for better things.  Why is my life worth living, anyway?  And what the hell, how come all of the other people feel so happy all of the time?  How did they get so lucky?  Don't they ever feel miserable, too?

On some days, I’m so full of shame that I wonder why I even exist.  Today in class we read a story about someone who died.  Would you care if I died?  Probably not.  Maybe you’d even be happy.  Good for you, and right back at you, dear untrustworthy enemy of mine.  I hope you feel just as freaking worthless as I do. 

And you know what?  If I have to feel this way all of the time, maybe you should, too.  Why is it so specific to me?  Why shouldn’t everyone have to feel this type of pain? 

Maybe I’ll go out of my way to make other people around me feel the level of shame that I do.  Because then, at least I won’t feel so lonely.  My misery, in its greatest form, cherishes its company. 

And oh, believe me, I can really make you feel like a piece of shit who deserves nothing but dirt on the ground.  And a good trick I've learned is, if I can make you feel like a piece of shit first, you certainly aren't gonna stomp on me and make me feel worse than I already feel.  Because honestly, if you made me feel any worse, it just might break me.

I will never be vulnerable.  I will never let you see the nice parts of me.  And you know why?  Because if I show you the good person who I really can be inside, I run the risk of rejection.  I run the risk of you saying, "I know who you really are, and I still don't like you."  And that would just be too painful.  So instead, I act in a way that forces you to hate me, but it doesn't really bother me, because you don't hate me for the real me.  You'll never know the real me.  And somewhere along the way, I've lost touch with the real me as well.

Underneath my insecurities and self-doubt, if you really cut through my solid skin and brick wall, I’d like to give you just one message, you untrustworthy adults, you: 

Please help me to feel  loved and worth it.  My life is just as important as yours, and I mean something in this world.  I am not worthless.  I am not a pain.  I am a human being, just like you.  But I will never know it unless you teach me and show me.  

Show me the world is a safe place.  Show me there are some people who I actually can trust, who will not leave me behind in the ditch.  Shine a light on the very small fragments of my heart that are beautiful and courageous.  Help me to see the things that I am unable to see within myself, for I am only a child. 

When I’m screaming, and kicking, and throwing names in your face, instead of taking offense, please know that it isn’t about you at all.  Please don't give up on me.  Please hope for me. Please believe that I deserve to be loved, no matter my faults.  My life may not be like the kid beside me, but it is my life.  If you do nothing else for me at all, silently stand beside me in my pain and dig deeply to understand the depths of my despair.