Just Drop the Rope

It's been a long time since I’ve written anything.  But I need to write this article, because I hope I will gain some validation that I’m not alone.

 It’s taken a bit of courage, lots of vulnerability, and a huge throat lump swallow of my pride to say this--- but my 9-year-old son can be kind of mean. 

Well, no.  Let’s be honest here.  He can be really mean at times.  And I can’t help but not personalize the issue as a parent.

My child, vastly different from who I was growing up, has pretty much no tolerance for other kids teasing him, or really even looking at him the wrong way.  He will quickly and immediately put them in their place- without a second thought.  Any negative comment directed at him will be immediately turned around into a deeper, more cutting insult against the child who made any comment in the first place. 

And really, although it boggles my mind that he does this, I’ve actually been able to weigh out the pros and cons of this specific skill- to be able to turn any argument right back upon the person who initiated the conflict, holding little to no empathy for the opposing peer or peer group at the same time!

In his most recent peer conflict at school, one of his peers told him that he lies all the time, he sucks at baseball, and pretty much that he is all talk and not follow-through- just in a lack of better words.  And these statements- I will admit, they’re true,somewhat true ,quite arguably  true  and TRUE! 

I will never be one of those parents who can’t see the dark side of my kid.  I believe from the bottom of my heart that an important part of parenting is helping your kid to own their own qualities and behavior, while at the same time supporting them as a good human being and person.

 

So this peer made these absolute true statements about my kid.  And the funny thing is, he knew it.  He knew those things were true.  So, unlike me, instead of wallowing in his own shame and self despair, he responded with this statement:

“You know what?  I could connect the dots with the freckles on your face.” 

WHAT?!  Who comes back with that type of comment, or in better words, that absolute, superficial stab at another human being?? Could it possibly be my kid?  Hate to admit it, but yeah, that’s my MY kid who said that in his response to being called out on his crap.  

I’m sorry, but having freckles is not something that should be considered a flaw or downfall.  Having freckles cannot compare to the blows at your character that this peer has highlighted in his observation about you.  There’s a piece of me that wants to say, “Why can’t you just own your shit and move on?’  And then there’s this piece of me that wants to say, “If you’re gonna counter a blow at your personality, why not make it deeper than that?”

And here’s the real question:  should I be telling my kid to just drop the rope in the tug-of-war with this other child, or should I be telling him to pull him further into the mud?  I struggle with this.

We, as social human beings, have challenges and strengths.  And when someone highlights those challenges and flaws in our character, it’s out knee-jerk reaction to cut that person right back.  I get that. 

Son, how do I wish you’d respond in this conflict?  I want you to own your shit, set a limit, and move on.  I want you to say, “Hey, that was mean, cut it out.  It hurt my feelings and embarrassed me around all of my friends.”  In a perfect world, I’d love for him to be able to set this limit, and then drop the thick rope in the game.

But you know what?  He’s 9.  And in 9 years, he hasn’t learned these skills.  And in 9 years, most kids probably haven’t.

I’ve got to keep reminding myself that my young child is not actually an adult- he is not an adult who possesses adult coping skills.  He is not an adult who is able to think before he speaks, or an adult with enough life experience to know how to respond to such words.  He is a child, who has child-like responses, because, well, that’s how it goes.  So instead of doing the grown-up thing, he responded by commenting on the other child’s appearance.  The easiest, and quickest way to fight back.

Set a limit and walk away, kid.  SET A LIMIT and WALK AWAY.  Refuse to engage.

 

But he can’t.  And it’s really not that he WON”T, it’s that he doesn’t have the skills to drop the rope and not internalize the reality and pure truth of what other kids say to him.  And he can’t because he’s 9, and in the social hierarchy of his class, it’s just a bit too vulnerable to say, “hey, that was a mean and hurtful remark, it damaged by feelings, and also, some of those statements might be true, and that’s what cut the deepest.”

So his best defense: Quickly find a deeper dig and redirect everyone’s attention to that other childs’ greater flaws.  Then the spotlight if off him, and essentially, he’s standing the dark making mindless comebacks.  The spotlight all of the sudden has shifted.

Great strategy, kid.  Probably works great when you’re 9.  However, for the rest of your life, there’s gonna be some serious backfire on comebacks like your own!

My little boy, here’s by best advice for you:  When someone is mean, quickly tell them that they are.  And when they don’t stop, walk the heck away.  And then… STAY away for awhile.  For a real long time.

And more you could do:  REFUSE to engage.  Don’t come back with a deeper stab.  Don’t bring an adult into it- please handle your own battles.  Just walk right the heck away, and don’t come back until you’re absolutely sure that none of those comments will affect you.  Because trust me, they WILL happen again.

And for the love of god!  OWN YOUR SHIT!  Do you lie, do you tell stories, are you mean sometimes?  Probably.  Because nobody is perfect.  But damn, at the end of the day, the biggest separation that comes between human beings is those who can take responsibility, and those who can’t. 

If you're nothing else in life, be someone who can own your own faults.

Unfortunately, we can't control the actions of others- we can only have jurisdiction over the actions of our true selves.  Be responsible for your own shit.  Be humble.  Be kind.

And then, when somebody dares to tell you that you’re not those things, you know in your heart who you truly are!

When someone  makes an attempt to master the declamation your very own character,  just DROP the rope. Much easier said than done, but worth it in the long run.

Maintain the positive relationships in your life- they’re important in building your self esteem.  Maintain the negative relationships in your life- this skill is equally important in not letting others bring you down.  

Just maintain peaceful relationships- that’s all.  Don't stab back, don't internalize their words.  In a famous song by the Beetles, "Let It Be". I promise, good things will come!