There's a Shelf Life for Summer-Time

If summer was a grocery item, it would be pretty typical.  Kind of like a an unripened fruit, gallon of milk or a pack of yogurts:  Best if used by mid- July, but will last, until the very end, late August.

In my mind, I love summer.  I’ve worked endlessly to make sure I have a job where I have most of the summer off to spend with my kids.  And I do enjoy it.

 Mostly, the idea of it.

 The reality of it?  Yeah, I do enjoy it, for the first few weeks, at least.

And I hate to admit it, but I’ve learned this fact, year after year of having summers to spend with my kids.  I LOVE summer for the first 3-4 weeks- really up until about my birthday- July 20th, right smack in the middle of summer.

And also what I’ve learned- summer is like a hike up a mountain.  The first part, the hike up, right up until mid-July, around my birthday, is fun, and adventurous, and joyful.  And then we reach the peak.  Wahooo!  In Sheakspeare’s words, “A mid-summer night’s dream.”

And then, it’s time to head down the mountain.

The first part of summer, for about a month, mid-June to mid-July, is full of trips to the lake, story-hours, museums, playgrounds, bike paths, picnics.  We wake up, put on our swim suits, and live in them for the rest of the day.  We have campfires and eat s’mores, we kayak down local rivers, we back-float in the lake until it’s too cold in the evening, we get ice creams every other night, and fully enjoy the sun and wonder of summer time in VT.

And then, we become a little bored with it.  The kids go to camp. They love it.  They need rest when we get home.  They hang out for a few days.  They snack endlessly.  They create laundry.  They hang out with the neighborhood kids and invite them to run in and out of the house all day long.


 I mention going to the lake.  They protest.  I get them up to go to story hour.  They exclaim how they’d rather die than do that.  And it is then, when I realize, we reached the peak of the mountain, and we’re on our way back down.

You see, there’s a shelf-life for summer time.  It really just starts to rot after about a month or so.  Unstructured, unplanned, relaxing days can only last for so long.  From mid-June to mid-July they’re exactly what we need.  And then they become, in a lack of better terms, a never-ending, downhill hike from there.

Just in June this year: We went to the lake 8 times, we kayaked down Clyde River, we camped for a long weekend at Tree Corners campground, we attended 4 Story Hours, we hiked two different trails, we visited my mother twice.

Early July, keeps going: we went to 3 parades, we were in one of them!  We went to Boston for a long weekend-- enjoyed a Whale Watch and Red Sox game.  We went to see the fireworks. Attended 3 pot-luck cook-outs.  Hung out at my family’s camp.  Had sleepovers with friends, went yards-saling, fishing, sailed on grandpa’s sailboat, and completed 1 week of theatre camp and 1 week of outdoor adventure camp.

And then, there was August.

 Downhill from there.  We spent he first week camping on dad’s week off, which was a good time.  But you know what?  We were kind of already over it.  We had already spent countless hours swimming, exploring the woods, and hanging out outside.  The sun, honestly, was just a nuisance.  We wanted Wi-fi, inside bathrooms, and the ability to cook with a stove and oven.

We came home.  We did practically nothing,

Nothing,

 For a week and then two weeks.  Went to the lake a few times, spent lots of time with the neighborhood kids, and got bored.  Real bored.  The kids drove mom crazy.  Mom drove the kids crazy.  Mom tried to reorganize the house.  Mom tired to implement a chore chart.  Mom failed.  Mom yelled at the kids.  The kids resorted to using more technology than what they should for it being summer time.  Mom nagged the kids to work on summer reading.  The kids fought back and decided to argue instead of read.  Mom went grocery shopping.  The kids ate all the food out of boredom.  Mom would buy more groceries but after spending all of the extra money on the first part of the summer and camping, mom and dad are pretty much broke.

Mom turned off the TV and forced the kids to go outside.  The kids had fun outside, but also got into trouble outside.  Mom grounded them.  Mom realized it was more of a punishment for herself.  The kids got sick with sore throats.  Mom attempted to bring them to the doctors and somehow got hung up at the Canadian border for an entire day.  Dad bailed her and the and the kids out.  Mom went to Walmart to get groceries.  Mom went to Walmart again to get more groceries.  And then again.  Mom went to Walmart again, to buy school supplies.  Mom spent all the money.  Summer still wasn’t over.

Ladies and gentlemen, there’s 1 week left.  1 week left of unstructured, “relaxing” summer days.
Then it’s back to school.  Back to work.  Back to routine.  Back to packed lunches, grocery planning, sports-filled weekends, and complaining that life is just so damn busy.

And let me tell you:  I can’t wait!

Just like every good thing in this world, there’s shelf life for summertime.  The lack of structure, planning, and responsibility for time can’t last forever.  It’s good for awhile.  And then, we remind ourselves of all the reasons we need some type of routine in our lives.  Let the school year begin.  Bring on the homework, and soccer practices, and early bedtimes.

 Christmas? No way.  Back-to-school is truly the most wonderful time of the year.

The Influence of My 9-Year-Old Son's Best Friend

My 9-year-old son has made a fantastic summer friend.  That friend is unique, and funny, adventurous, and a blast to be around.  Avery (my son) and his friend ride bikes, and play board games, and watch YouTube.  They eat large bowls of ice cream and laugh as it melts of their spoons.  They make believe with stuffed animals, listen to funny songs on the radio, and sing karaoke and dance in the road.  They play chess, and XBox games, and build legos, and run through the sprinkler together.  They eat watermelon and watch the juice drip down heir elbows on my front porch steps.  They swing as high as they can on the swingset on my front lawn, and pick raspberries and throw them in each other's mouths, most of the time missing, but still laughing.  They draw with chalk on the driveway, and make contests out of who can roll the spool of tape the longest down the hill. They create obstacle courses with hula hoops, plastic buckets, and tires.

They are the real, true best friends.  The type of summertime friends that you never, ever forget.

And the greatest thing: His best friend is a GIRL.

A girl, who has beautiful dark skin and long, black hair.  She wears skirts sometimes, and paints her nails. She plays with barbies, and baby dolls, and has taught Avery how to make friendship bracelets and  choose a great 2-piece bathing suit at Wal-Mart.  She also loves swimming, and fishing, and playing in the sand and mud at the beach, and boy can she throw and catch a baseball!

I love Avery's friendship with this girl- this fun girl who lives 2 blocks away from us, is a year ahead of him in school, and unconditionally just loves him as a playmate and friend.  There's absolutely nothing more, and nothing less to this relationship, except pure, solid playmate-hood and friendship.

Their time spent with each other is bittersweet to me.  I know that in a few years from now, the relationship will become weird.  "Weird" I say, because puberty will happen, and relationships will change, and, well, let's just be honest here- middle school.

But right now they're perfect.

There's a lot a "girl" friend can teach my son about life.  Maybe, most importantly, that girls can be great companions.  They can be fun, and adventurous, and exciting, just as much as boys can be.  And they're somehow allowed to like things- like dolls, like nail polish, like sewing crafts, that other kids may think are dumb or "girly".

And what else?  Girls can be just as grounded in their opinions as boys.  They have just as much of a say in what game we play, or how we play it.  They are just as capable of what adventure we decide upon for the day, and what the outcome is.  Girls are just as strong and opinionated, and capable, and ready-for-fun as the boys are.

This little girl has shown my son what true, real friendship is, and at the same time has introduced him to things he may not have ever felt comfortable with with a "boy" friend. She may never know what a gift she's given him.

I am so thankful for her, and their friendship.  I cherish it, knowing that it most likely won't be forever.  Not a closeness like this, anyway.

I want to go back to being 9.  I want to re-live 4th grade.  To love a friend, for who they are, regardless of gender, with no strings attached.  No weirdness.  No, "maybe".  No awkward moments.  Just pure, un-romantic, un-judged,  innocent human connection and companionship.

So my 9-year-old son, before the age of romance, and school dances, and short skits, and brand-name cologne, has the blessing of having this chosen person as his best friend.

This friendship may or may not be one of the most influential and profound relationships of his life.  I can almost guarantee he may never experience something quite like it again.

And don't we know it?  That fact is little sad, but very likely to be true.

Be still my heart; cherish these moments. 

Just Drop the Rope

It's been a long time since I’ve written anything.  But I need to write this article, because I hope I will gain some validation that I’m not alone.

 It’s taken a bit of courage, lots of vulnerability, and a huge throat lump swallow of my pride to say this--- but my 9-year-old son can be kind of mean. 

Well, no.  Let’s be honest here.  He can be really mean at times.  And I can’t help but not personalize the issue as a parent.

My child, vastly different from who I was growing up, has pretty much no tolerance for other kids teasing him, or really even looking at him the wrong way.  He will quickly and immediately put them in their place- without a second thought.  Any negative comment directed at him will be immediately turned around into a deeper, more cutting insult against the child who made any comment in the first place. 

And really, although it boggles my mind that he does this, I’ve actually been able to weigh out the pros and cons of this specific skill- to be able to turn any argument right back upon the person who initiated the conflict, holding little to no empathy for the opposing peer or peer group at the same time!

In his most recent peer conflict at school, one of his peers told him that he lies all the time, he sucks at baseball, and pretty much that he is all talk and not follow-through- just in a lack of better words.  And these statements- I will admit, they’re true,somewhat true ,quite arguably  true  and TRUE! 

I will never be one of those parents who can’t see the dark side of my kid.  I believe from the bottom of my heart that an important part of parenting is helping your kid to own their own qualities and behavior, while at the same time supporting them as a good human being and person.

 

So this peer made these absolute true statements about my kid.  And the funny thing is, he knew it.  He knew those things were true.  So, unlike me, instead of wallowing in his own shame and self despair, he responded with this statement:

“You know what?  I could connect the dots with the freckles on your face.” 

WHAT?!  Who comes back with that type of comment, or in better words, that absolute, superficial stab at another human being?? Could it possibly be my kid?  Hate to admit it, but yeah, that’s my MY kid who said that in his response to being called out on his crap.  

I’m sorry, but having freckles is not something that should be considered a flaw or downfall.  Having freckles cannot compare to the blows at your character that this peer has highlighted in his observation about you.  There’s a piece of me that wants to say, “Why can’t you just own your shit and move on?’  And then there’s this piece of me that wants to say, “If you’re gonna counter a blow at your personality, why not make it deeper than that?”

And here’s the real question:  should I be telling my kid to just drop the rope in the tug-of-war with this other child, or should I be telling him to pull him further into the mud?  I struggle with this.

We, as social human beings, have challenges and strengths.  And when someone highlights those challenges and flaws in our character, it’s out knee-jerk reaction to cut that person right back.  I get that. 

Son, how do I wish you’d respond in this conflict?  I want you to own your shit, set a limit, and move on.  I want you to say, “Hey, that was mean, cut it out.  It hurt my feelings and embarrassed me around all of my friends.”  In a perfect world, I’d love for him to be able to set this limit, and then drop the thick rope in the game.

But you know what?  He’s 9.  And in 9 years, he hasn’t learned these skills.  And in 9 years, most kids probably haven’t.

I’ve got to keep reminding myself that my young child is not actually an adult- he is not an adult who possesses adult coping skills.  He is not an adult who is able to think before he speaks, or an adult with enough life experience to know how to respond to such words.  He is a child, who has child-like responses, because, well, that’s how it goes.  So instead of doing the grown-up thing, he responded by commenting on the other child’s appearance.  The easiest, and quickest way to fight back.

Set a limit and walk away, kid.  SET A LIMIT and WALK AWAY.  Refuse to engage.

 

But he can’t.  And it’s really not that he WON”T, it’s that he doesn’t have the skills to drop the rope and not internalize the reality and pure truth of what other kids say to him.  And he can’t because he’s 9, and in the social hierarchy of his class, it’s just a bit too vulnerable to say, “hey, that was a mean and hurtful remark, it damaged by feelings, and also, some of those statements might be true, and that’s what cut the deepest.”

So his best defense: Quickly find a deeper dig and redirect everyone’s attention to that other childs’ greater flaws.  Then the spotlight if off him, and essentially, he’s standing the dark making mindless comebacks.  The spotlight all of the sudden has shifted.

Great strategy, kid.  Probably works great when you’re 9.  However, for the rest of your life, there’s gonna be some serious backfire on comebacks like your own!

My little boy, here’s by best advice for you:  When someone is mean, quickly tell them that they are.  And when they don’t stop, walk the heck away.  And then… STAY away for awhile.  For a real long time.

And more you could do:  REFUSE to engage.  Don’t come back with a deeper stab.  Don’t bring an adult into it- please handle your own battles.  Just walk right the heck away, and don’t come back until you’re absolutely sure that none of those comments will affect you.  Because trust me, they WILL happen again.

And for the love of god!  OWN YOUR SHIT!  Do you lie, do you tell stories, are you mean sometimes?  Probably.  Because nobody is perfect.  But damn, at the end of the day, the biggest separation that comes between human beings is those who can take responsibility, and those who can’t. 

If you're nothing else in life, be someone who can own your own faults.

Unfortunately, we can't control the actions of others- we can only have jurisdiction over the actions of our true selves.  Be responsible for your own shit.  Be humble.  Be kind.

And then, when somebody dares to tell you that you’re not those things, you know in your heart who you truly are!

When someone  makes an attempt to master the declamation your very own character,  just DROP the rope. Much easier said than done, but worth it in the long run.

Maintain the positive relationships in your life- they’re important in building your self esteem.  Maintain the negative relationships in your life- this skill is equally important in not letting others bring you down.  

Just maintain peaceful relationships- that’s all.  Don't stab back, don't internalize their words.  In a famous song by the Beetles, "Let It Be". I promise, good things will come!