Little child, in a word, "NO!"

Raising children is the world’s hardest job.  When a baby is born into a set of new parents, people hate to warn them: This job will gradually become different, ever-changing, and more challenging as your child grows.  But the funny thing is, you’re welcomed into it with an intense, sleep deprived, attention-sucking initiation.  And everything after that, you’re kind of just prepared to role with the punches.

During the first 6 months of raising a child, you become broken, and kind of rebuilt.  Everything you knew as a person has changed.  Your freedom, your ability to come and go and complete tasks as you please, your self-worth and every conviction you’ve ever held close to you: it’s all questioned and compromised, everything inside of you is all of the sudden turned upside down.  But you slowly learn. 

And as a parent, that’s really what its all about.  It’s learning more about yourself, and growing with your child.  It’s a game of maybe I should and maybe I shouldn’t, maybe this is the best thing, and maybe this choice just might be absolutely horrible for my kid.  It is pure joy, it is deep fear, it is the most vulnerable you’ve most likely ever been, wrapped in hope, and endearment, and love, but tied in ribbons or worry, and questions, and uncertainty.  And the older your child becomes, these common uncertain feelings that just tangle themselves in a messed up smorgasbord of everything listed above.

I am a parent now, of a 5 and 7-year old.  And let me tell you, this game has been all about pure love and adoration, and also living, learning, and teaching.  As my children have moved on from baby-hood, to the toddler age, and into middle-childhood, I’ll tell you, it’s not an been an easy ride.  And I’ve been told before, time and time again, it really doesn’t get any easier.  Probably harder.  And whoever it was who once told me that all I needed was love to raise a great child, was really just dead wrong.

The thing is, we all love our kids no matter what.  Their little quirks, their challenges to make sense of the world, their struggles in adapting to general experiences.  But what all of those parenting books, advice and articles fail tell us, is that the hardest part of parenting will be the harsh teaching from right from wrong.  The moments where we want so badly for our children to be happy, but in the long term, we also want our children to be respectful and adapt to life circumstances. What a balance it is. 

There’s one thing in life that has been so difficult for me across the board- in social situations, in my career, in relationships, and in parenting.  And that is the ability to say “NO!”

Hey person... NOPE! This won’t happen on my behalf.  Absolutely not.  It’s not what I support, it’s not who I am, it’s not something I want to do.

 The ability to say that simple 2 letter word to everyone around me most certainly hasn’t come easily, but it’s necessary in my survival as a person and as a parent in this world.

In 32 years, I know what I’ve learned.  I’ve learned that if there’s nobody more important to say no to, I might as well say it to my children.

“No.”  I whisper.

My daughter wants to eat a large piece of chocolate cake for breakfast.

She begs, “But mom, PLEASE?”

I respond, “Absolutely not.”

She cries.

I crumble inside.  What’s one piece of cake, anyway?

“Absulutely not.  Here’s your choices: Cheerios, Toast, or a Bagel.”

She cries some more.  I listen to it. My heart feels for her.  I love chocolate cake probably just as much, if not more than she does,

But I hold my ground  I say, "NO!"  And it's against the grain of everything I've become accustomed to in my life. 

And inside of my mind,  I remind myself-  children aren’t able to make rational decisions.  This is why they are children and not adults.  I have to help them to understand that cake is not a reasonable choice for breakfast.  As much as I hate saying no, I’ve got to! 

And eventually, the girl moves on.  And then there’s the next thing.  My son.

“Mom, everyone has this World of War Game.  I want it.  Can we get it?”

“Well son, ummm, NO.”

This time it’s harder.

“But mom, why?”

"Well, because it’s violent and aggressive and inappropriate for your age.” 

But the thing is, this poor guy thinks he’s so much more mature than 7-years-old.  And maybe he is, and maybe he isn’t.  But I said no, and I’ve got to stick with it.

He says, “Mom, I obviously know this type of stuff doesn’t go on in the real world.  I promise it won’t make me violent.”  And in a small sentence, this little 7-year-old boy is onto me.

Smart kid.  But NO.  I said no, and I meant it.

In my life, I’ve struggled so much in pretty much every social situation to say no.  Want to play Rummy?  Sure, why not?  Want to go on this crazy upside down fair ride, even though you’re terrified?  My dear friend, for you, I will.  Want to jump in the water naked with no regrets?  Hell, yes!  Hey let’s paint our dorm room orange and act like we're retro kids.  Ok, awesome!  Let’s work on this project together. Sounds great.  Let’s crash this party.  Awesome.  Lets buy a dime bag and sit out on the beach all day long baked out of our minds.  Fanstastic.  Let’s have sex in the bed of my truck and pretend like it never happened, okay?  Okay. 

 But at what point in my life do I decide to draw the fine line, and say, “NO!!”

At this point.  At the point where I’m raising my own kids, where I feel established and self confident enough as person to know right from wrong. These little beings can’t make these decisions, so I will. It's my job to protect them and teach them, and I refuse to feel bad about it.

There’s times in life when you've got to look out for yourself, and it’s important to say “NO.”  Then there’s times where you can be flexible and just go with it.  And then all of the sudden you're responsible for lives other than you're own, and you can gain an outside look, and you realize that at  times, it's really important to say, "NO! of their behalf.  Parenting, ebb and flow, is most likely one of those times. 

To all of the parents of this world, who have struggled to say "no".  The ones like me: the flexible, easy-going, fun-loving types of parents.  If not now, then when?  Challenge yourself, say “NO!!” 

I promise, your kids will benefit from it more than you know!

“Mom, let’s have cake for breakfast!”

I whisper the words to myself, I say them out loud: “No.” 

This isn’t what best for you, and it certainly isn’t what best for me. 

Little child, in a word, “NO!”

And "NO" is just as an acceptable answer as "Yes."

Promise.